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ben's journal?

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[01 Jul 2014|01:22am]
On our first date, you filled my heart with helium.

But helium hearts are lighter than air. They cannot stay grounded. So you tied it with a string and held on for a while.

One Friday night, without warning or explanation, you stuck a pin in it and walked away.
[Write Me]

[25 Jan 2011|12:44am]
I've gotta get out of this place.
[Write Me]

[28 Sep 2010|11:49pm]
Oh Ben, just go to bed.

I'm throwing a Temper TANTRUM. Romantic ANTHEM of my Pathetic PANTHEON of WOE. Fuck ROMANTICISM, Fuck AGNOSTICISM, Fuck THIS WHOLE DAMN SYSTEM with a Garden HOE.

And say WHOA.... I've been looking through past lives sharpening knives on spines of the times I didn't find a line in my mind or a rhyme in my prime or the vine to climb from this pit of grime into the sunshine sublime and combine with the moonshine the star-shine the sunshine the glorious limelight the time line of MY time the time line of sometime some sight that's NOT mine at this time will fly with the sunshine into MY eyes and rise the wise in MY mind and dry the tides of MY cries for SALVATION.

What I need is TRANSPORTATION. OR COMMUNICATION, I call your line for a recorded IMITATION of the voice of Verizon verily verifying your VINDICATION. Vixen of my IMAGINATION vixen you were my FASCINATION my AGITATION my COLLABORATION vixen you grew VEGETATION for my SOUL.

Now I've got a deep dark HOLE with tunnels and HOLES for the MOLE of my SOUL to crawl through my MORALS and GOALS and who the fuck KNOWS what else is EXPOSED by MOLE or AROSE on its OWN driven out by VOLES and I SUPPOSE everyone KNOWS I SUPPOSE I SUPPOSE EVERYONE KNOWS

What this feels like, right?

I can feel my heart IGNITE and in SPITE of the NIGHT it burns BRIGHT and ALIGHT but it's never seen by YOUR SIGHT.
[3 Love Notes - Write Me]

Immobility + Eagle - Combined and Recorded [24 Sep 2010|09:20pm]
Recorded myself to work on this:

This immobility is KILLING me,
And I feel this old stability could be fatal
So why am I unable to read into this fable and see what's been laid on the

For me,
It's my destiny, it's all the things that I can be,
So why can't I see
Why can't I see
Why can't I SEE?

I've been blinded by the light of the brilliance of my mind
And I can't see the signs that are posted on my wall
That say get up you lazy FUCKER,
Or you'll be nothing at all.

This is a wakeup call
To that boy staring at the wall
And it says get up you lazy FUCKER
And grow some balls.

It's time to make decisions,
And stop worrying about derision,
What I need is some committment
Cuz I don't want to look back on this life that I'm livin
And I don't want to be satisfied with what I've been given.

I want to push out and expand my boundaries
And I want to look out on different surroundings
And think to myself, "what a journey I've had to get here."

I want to see what life's got to offer
Before I'm rotting in a dusty old coffin
Or withering away a slave to the choices I've made,
Stuck on a highway I cannot escape that's paved with mistakes
And soon -I've- been staked
By the wooden cross of my own choice to take
The easy way out for my comfort's sake.

I don't want to walk through that safe back gate
I want to burst through to the front where the real shit is made!

I want to know that I've tried and that I've failed but I've survived,
And nobody alive will say that I didn't strive
to strive towards such things

I am a young eagle, and I need to take wing!!

I need to feel my soul SING

I must lift off from the perch to which I cling
Into the unknown sky where the slightest thing
Will cause me to drop like a stone

Because I'd rather die from falling
In the desert all alone
Than live a life I won't remember
In the place I now call home
[1 Love Note - Write Me]

[07 Sep 2010|12:38am]
..the French priest Bossuet says: "Cursed be the earth! Cursed be the earth! A thousand times cursed be the earth." Why? Why should the earth be cursed? Life has to be cursed. These people have been thinking as if God is against life, as if life is against godliness. Life is godliness, there is no antagonism, there is no separation even. They are not different things, they are two names for one reality.

[Write Me]

[26 Aug 2010|08:51pm]
Wednesdays are becoming my favorite day. Just have a good vibe to them.

Work has been really rewarding the last couple of weeks, even if it is totally exhausting.

I'd really like to go to a big electro festival. Look at this video:

Holy crap that would be fun!

On a related note, I got my mixtape from Chloe in the mail today. It was really cool! So far the music is very much my style, too. I'm going to meet Kristen this weekend at some point to swap CD's, and should be getting Gabe's soon too. This was a good idea.

On another note, The Glitch Mob's CD is really really perfect for me right now. Exactly what I want to listen to.

Recap a couple of things - I don't want to touch on some publicly.

Been a busy week. Monday I did not do much as I had a long day and felt sick - Tuesday was another long day at work, went to the Pasty right after work with Ken and Lauren, explained my revelation, got wayyyyyyyyy deeper into some things than I wanted to but it was a good thing... I think.

Wednesday went out to the Chop with Ken, ate and relaxed. It's nice to have someone like Ken that is willing to go out and do things without much notice. I've really been feeling the need to just get out of the house some days.

This weekend I think is going to be good. I've got some possibilities I'm considering for Saturday that could be really interesting.


Leave you with one more song:

[2 Love Notes - Write Me]

[22 Aug 2010|11:25pm]
Dear Diary,

The last 5 days have been very..... eventful.

Some good. Some bad. Some that haven't shown their colors yet. Some that may not ever.


I watched a movie called Wild Strawberries this morning. I could not help but think it was about me. Whether I'm the father or the son is the true question.

[Write Me]

[11 Aug 2010|10:56pm]
I was at the Rogue today and a bum came in with a bunch of pennies he'd scavenged. I thought at first he would be a sad story and spend it on beer. Instead, he politely asked the bartender for quarters. He put his favorite song on the jukebox and played a game of pool by himself. He was beaming with satisfaction. Then he got a glass of water and walked out. The things I take for granted..
[1 Love Note - Write Me]

[11 Aug 2010|10:52pm]
I took myself out on a date tonight and it ended up being absolutely great.

I had a good, productive day at work. After work I went straight to the Phoenix Art Museum for free admission Wednesdays and saw the Cezanne exhibit. I blew my mind trying to understand some of the paintings there. I'm really slow in art galleries/museums so it was refreshing to be able to stare at the same one for 30 minutes by myself. I mean, the artists took weeks/months/years making these paintings, each one deserves a few minutes.

For instance, there was a painting of two people in a covered wagon, in the modernist style of the early 1900's, where the wagon cover and the people are very mundane, ordinary. However, the landscape was so vibrant it stole the show. Brilliant painting.

After the museum I decided to stop by the Rogue Bar for a drink before going home. Got myself a tall can of PBR, it was mostly empty in there save the bartender and one or two regulars. I talked with an older guy that reminded me of Mr. Bell, and he bought me a beer. The bartender had a cake for one of the regulars and gave me a slice. We talked, the singer/songwriters started playing. The regular left, the bartender took a shot with me in the back room (which was more like 3 shots). I'll see her again..

Ending the night on a high note and going to get some sleep :)
[Write Me]

[11 Aug 2010|12:01am]
Because you are human. And just because of the simple fact that you are human, you find yourself heir to an inherent unsatisfactoriness in life which simply will not go away. You can suppress it from your awareness for a time. You can distract yourself for hours on end, but it always comes back—usually when you least expect it. All of a sudden, seemingly out of the blue, you sit up, take stock, and realize your actual situation in life.
[1 Love Note - Write Me]

[04 Aug 2010|11:16pm]
I spend so much time analyzing things. I analyze numbers, statistics, spreadsheets and formulas all day at work. Then I come home to sit on my porch and analyze myself, analyze the world. Thinking of evolution, of my mind, of a god damn cricket I saw in the grass that I can't get out of my head. Thinking of God. Thinking of thinking. Thinking of life, of my life, of other lives. Thinking of humanity.

I'm always fucking THINKING.

I think (hah!) this is why I enjoy times that I can "lose" myself in. It doesn't happen a whole lot, but I treasure those times. Times when I feel and feel alone. When I can devolve into a simpler being. When I no longer look at the clock, when I don't need my glasses, when I can exist right there in the present, unaware. Unnnn Aware. I begin to feel. I will begin to seek these things out more often; I will more easily lose myself in these moments.

Often my goal in meditation is to quiet my mind, to stop my racing thoughts and create a moment such as those mentioned above. It's a little deeper and more controlled, but it is satisfying as well, albeit in a different manner than being unaware. In fact it's quite the opposite. To create this state of mind is to be truly aaaaaaaaaaaware. I've got a few ways I try to accomplish this.

I usually start by envisioning my mind as a pool of water a few feet deep at the summit of a snowy mountain, in an old, round, stone ring with a wooden pagoda-ish ceiling. Here I am: clean, pure, still. Thoughts come like cold winds to ripple the surface, to swirl and churn the water. If it's bad enough some might splash over the side. I fight to repel these things, interrupting my mind with sharp short swipes. Stealing the power from the wind, dispersing its energy around my stone base. Soon before a thought can start it is squashed. After a while my surface remains still.

In this state I can exist quite peacefully for some time. My attention now turns to the present.

I envision my mind now as a small pebble floating in a rushing stream. The current flows from past to future. If I am not careful I will be swept away, caught in whirlpools and swirled uncontrollably this way and that. So I breathe deeply. With each breath in I gather my mind, draw strength into my pebble and it becomes heavier. With each breath out I begin to slowly sink towards the ground. Eventually I fall to the bottom, and settle in amongst many other stones like myself. I exist peacefully in the present.

The pebble exists now as a mountain peak in a mountain range of other pebbles. At the top of the pebble mountain's snowy peak rests that small stone ring, the watery pool of my mind. Still waters, looking out on thousands of others like it. We smile to each other as the sun rises.

Do you know what is ironic? It is when I can fully create this state that the true answers come to me.
[1 Love Note - Write Me]

[28 Jul 2010|11:26pm]
No one behind, no one ahead.
The path the ancients cleared has closed.
And the other path, everyone's path,
Easy and wide, goes nowhere.
I am alone and find my way.

—ancient Sanskrit verse adapted by Octavio Paz
[1 Love Note - Write Me]

[26 Jul 2010|12:20am]
It's funny to think, on this day, what my life was like just one year ago. It was almost completely different than it is now. I didn't have a job, I had a stable relationship, I lived alone, I had a lot of friends, I was generally happy.

That castle is crumbling around me in this darkness. I watch it fall, too scared to move, scared to run. I will certainly feel the crush of those stones. But what will I become?

Will I have my bones broken, body and soul shattered? Or will I shine through, a lump of carbon forged into a blazing diamond by the collapse of my former life?

The choice is mine.
[2 Love Notes - Write Me]

Progressing.... [22 Jul 2010|10:07pm]
I don't want to look back on the life that I'm living
I don't want to be satisfied with what I've been given.

I want to push out and expand my boundaries,
I want to look out on different surroundings
And think to myself, "what a journey I've had to get here."

I want to see what life's got to offer
Before I'm rotting in a dusty old coffin
Or withering away a slave to the choices I've made,
Stuck on a highway I cannot escape that's paved with mistakes
And soon -I've- been staked
By the wooden cross of my own choice to take
The easy way out for my comfort's sake.

I don't want to walk through that safe back gate
I want to burst through to the front where the real shit is made!

I want to know that I've tried and that I've failed but I've survived,
And nobody alive will say that I didn't strive
to strive towards such things

I'm a young eagle, I need to take wing!!

I need to feel my soul SING

I must lift off from the perch to which I cling
Into the unknown sky where the slightest thing
Will cause me to drop like a stone

Because I'd rather die from falling
In the desert all alone
Than live a life I won't remember
In the place I now call home
[1 Love Note - Write Me]

[18 Jul 2010|11:52pm]
I don't want to look back on the life that I'm living.
I don't want to be satisfied with what I've been given

I want to push out and expand my boundaries
I want to look out on different surroundings

And think to myself, "what a journey it took to get me here."
[Write Me]

Emotion [06 Jun 2010|11:37pm]
There are dozens of dystopian novels and movies that confront the nature of human emotion.

One of the most disturbing things about these stories and discussions is that oftentimes the false utopia described originally is working perfectly by design.

In some cases it is more harmonious and potentially happier than society ever was with emotion.

I have a constant battle within myself concerning my emotions.

Some days I spend longing to escape the doldrums of depression. Other days I long to weep. I long to feel sadness coursing through my veins and hot from my eyes. I long to burn passionately. To melt my logical mind.
[1 Love Note - Write Me]

Trip to California [02 Jun 2010|10:40pm]
Last weekend I went on a trip to California with Ken and Jeff. Prior to that, Ken and I went to a party by ASU on Friday night after work - I brought a six pack of PBR with me and we showed up. The only person I knew there was Chloe, and I hardly know her to begin with. I wanted to expand my horizons, meet new and interesting people, the rest.

I met a lot of strange people, a lot of very close-minded people trying to act open-minded, and a lot of easily forgettable people trying to make an impression. We ended up leaving because we got too weirded out by everyone. I'd probably not go again, simply because I spent a lot of the night feeling uninvited, and I don't particularly like people like that.

After a long night I went to sleep around three and Ken arrived and woke me up at five thirty. I think the only thing that saved me was the stress and water before sleeping. I woke, washed my hair, packed my things, and Jeff arrived at six and we were off.

The drive to California was surreal. I ate bad McDonalds breakfast and had indigestion most of the way. We aired up at a Quik Trip off of the I-10 and 57th Ave, using the high power truck air pump. Jeff is strangely responsible about checking his fluids and tire pressure before a road trip. I think his father imbued him with that quality. After QT we did not stop again. We rode into Los Angeles and Ken kept commenting at how dirty it was, and how Phoenix was much more clean. I marveled at the anthill of society, the graffiti and the multicolored worn buildings.

We exited on Hollywood Blvd and headed West to Gabe's house, windows down, sight-seeing. We drove past the Museum of Death and Chaos, which looked fantastic. I was let down later when I found out it was a Scientologist trap. The rest of Hollywood Boulevard was fantastic. We turned on Gabe's street and eventually found a parking spot which appeared valid (when getting in the car to drive back we would find it was not).

We said our hellos to Gabe, who was bearded and thin, wearing stylish Aviators. Gabe has a way about him. We needed food, and walked onto Hollywood Boulevard in search of Pizza and a beer.

We made it to the Pizza place but they didn't serve beer - we were directed to Snow White's Tavern across the street. There I had an incredibly cheap (for the location) 34oz beer and an above-average cheeseburger and fries.

Gabe's girlfriend Jess met us here. Jess is a very smart and capable woman who I would come away from the trip very impressed with. Her relationship with Gabe is brilliant and inspiring. After Snow White we went back to their place and they smoked. I passed because I was pretty drunk from my beer and did not want to get sick.

We left and went to Happy Endings, a Sports Bar, to watch the Suns vs Lakers game. We all wore our Suns gear, except for Ken, who had nothing, and Jess, who proudly wore her Lakers t-shirt. There were a few celebrities at the bar, and it was quickly full of rowdy drunk Lakers fans. I ate the best Penne Vodka of my life. It was fantastic. I drank only one more beer, and the Suns lost. We had to take a walk of shame past well over 150 Lakers fans.

Went back to the place, smoked, which I participated in this time, and went to El Capitan theatre to see Prince of Persia. The organ player before the movie was awesome. He played all Disney songs, and did so wonderfully. The movie itself was awful. I had a blast, though.

We retired for 10 hours of excellent sleep. I had no trouble at all falling asleep, it was amazing.

In the morning we ate breakfast at Swinger's cafe and then headed to Santa Monica. We walked down 3rd Street Promenade and watched street performers, and then walked down the pier to the little amusement park there. For memorial day someone had put thousands of crosses on the beach, each to represent a soldier who died in Iraq and with a little rose. It was haunting.

We played a lot of air hockey in the little arcade and walked back. We all decided the water was too dirty at this beach and it was a little too crowded. We drove down Pacific Coast Highway with the windows down, moving slowly. Gabe and Jess have good taste in music. We finally decided to park in the vicinity of Malibu beach at one of the many parking lots down PCH. We smoked in the SUV and walked to the beach. We were horribly unprepared, all of us wearing close-toed shoes and jeans, and nobody with a towel. This didn't stop Gabe and Jeff from stripping to boxers and running into the Pacific. I stayed and relaxed in the sand. It was very peaceful.

After a while we went back to the apartment. We played scattergories and I had a great time. Then we walked to In and Out. I discovered that Lemon with Dr. Pepper is a great combination.

Afterward we went back to their home and played a game we invented at work to kill time. Basically one person thinks of a famous person, and tells everyone else the first letter of that person's last name. For instance, if I though of George Harrison, I would tell everyone the letter is "H." The other people get to ask Yes/No questions about the person, such as "is this person a male?" or "is this person alive?" If the answer is No, they must ask the chooser trivia questions where the answer begins with the letter, until that person gets one wrong. For instance, if I had chosen George Harrison, and they asked me if the person was alive, I would say No, and then they would ask me trivia questions where the answer began with "H," such as "what is the name of the lightest noble gas?" If I could not come up with the right answer, they could then go back to Yes/No questions.

It sounds complicated but it is really easy to pick up after a few minutes, and it's a wonderfully stimulating game that can kill a lot of time.

We went to Cantaloop, which is a ridiculous place. It is self-serve frozen yogurt with dozens of toppings - you make it all yourself and pay by the ounce. It is just unfair to be in this place after smoking.

I had an intense argument with Jeff about geometry outside, and met a couple of Gabe/Jess's friends who seemed uninterested in the Phoenix visitors.

We stayed up late playing the unnamed person-guessing game. We woke up around 10, went to breakfast at a sub-par Pizzeria, and left.

We stopped at Ken's house to drop off and pick up some things, and then went to the Cornish Pasty. A truly stunning girl working there hung out with us and I had some great conversation with Ken and Jeff in the interim periods. I drank a bit too much (we got some free car bombs), got home at 11 and passed out immediately.

It was one of the best weekends of my life, and it was exactly what I needed. Refreshing and bright.
[1 Love Note - Write Me]

[13 May 2010|12:57am]
I've been walking from my house up the path that goes around Papago Peak quite often the last week or two. It's not a whole lot of exercise (although I did run today) but being outside is really really good for me right now.

I try to live completely in the present moment and walk around enjoying natural beauty without worrying about this life.

Started meditating again, too. I don't know if I'll ever get myself into the habit of doing it daily or even every other day, but the times that I do it helps a lot.

On a side note, I'm realizing how good mental problems are at hiding themselves from you. You never realize how fucked you are in the head sometimes.

Truth conquers all, and that will keep me going.
[Write Me]

[13 May 2010|12:46am]
I turned back to look at you and saw
That you'd gouged your eyes out with an awl
And dug and dug until nothing remained
But the holes in your skull, and no brain to be seen

Your wound was remarkably clean, I thought,
With only a bit of white goop, eye soup, a few drops
Through the windows to your soul I saw
That you'd filled it up with dust and stars

I spoke and asked, "what are you doing?"
"Where did you come from, and what the FUCK are you doing?"
You opened your mouth wide to respond
But the only thing that came out were moths.
[Write Me]

Stars [01 May 2010|02:44am]
Stars were punched through starless skies
To light the night and to feed our minds
With mysteries of space and time
And the peerless prominence
Of the world outside our feeble eyes

I sat with a friend once, on a pool deck outside
That night we conversed about the skies
And she said something that blew my mind
And forever changed the way I look up high
Into the rising rythm of that ridiculous romance
Written by remnants of one roaring rupture in the once starless skies

She looked over at me and seemed deep in thought
And she spoke slowly, "you know, it never stops.
We think of the stars and the clouds up there
As if painted inside a blanket for the Earth to wear
But really we're looking straight up through the air
Directly at molecules, particles, and the glare
Of raging explosions light years from here.
When we tilt our necks, well up we stare
At the whole of existence, and from here to there
Spans eons."

It may seem simple, something you've already known,
But to me at the moment my mind was shown
A new version of reality.

The speed of light binds everything and ties
A string to each thing that will ever reach our eyes.

In the distance between you and me
When I speak you hear and when I move you see
That change in position - instantly? No.
There's fractions of seconds between these things,
And that's where paradigm shift takes wing.

Every soul alive on Earth
From the very moment of their birth
Become a new vantage point for the universe.
Everything they see, well it happened first
At some point of origin, some moment of birth

And by messenger photons the info is flown
Sometimes near, sometimes far, but all comes home
To those feeble eyes,

From the strings of light a vision is sewn
And we all experience it, alone.
[1 Love Note - Write Me]

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